Tag Archives for " golfing jokes "

Lee and Gary head out to the golf course for a quick nine holes. On the first tee, Lee turns to Gary and says, "What do you say we make this time worth something. Play you for $5?" Gary agrees, and they start their rounds.

It's a great game, and the two lifelong friends reach the No. 9 tee box with Gary ahead by one stroke. After Lee hits a great drive, right down the middle, Gary steps up and promptly hooks a ball into deep rough and trees.

"C'mon," Gary says to Lee, "help me find my ball. I'll look in this patch of trees, and you look around over there."

They look and look and look, but no ball can be found. The five-minute time limit on searching for lost balls is about to run out. Gary gets desperate. He gives a quick glance over to Lee to see if he is looking, then swiftly reaches into his pocket and drops a new ball into the rough.

"Found my ball!" Gary shouts out triumphantly.

Lee looks at his friend with great disappointment. "After all the years we've been friends," Lee says, "you'd cheat me at golf for a measly five bucks?"

"What do you mean cheat?" Gary asks indignantly. "I found my ball sitting right here!"

Lee lets out a heavy sigh. "And you'd lie to me, too? All for a tiny little sum of money? You'd cheat me and lie to me, for what? For five bucks? I can't believe you'd stoop so low."

"Well what makes you so sure I'm cheating and lying, anyway?" Gary asks.

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it," the nun said.

"When did you use this awful language?" the Mother Superior asks.

Answered the nun: "Well, I was golfing and hit this fabulous drive that looked like it was going to go 280 yards, but it struck a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground only 100 yards from the tee."

"Is that when you cursed?"

"No, Mother Superior," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is that when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior.

"Well, no," says the nun. "As the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from the prime minister of Israel.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "The Israeli prime minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his life. "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal replied. "But ..." he said, deep in thought, "what if we offered to make Jack Nicklaus a cardinal? We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play the Israeli prime minister as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Nicklaus was greatly honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

"I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

It was a sunny Saturday morning, a little before 8 a.m., I was on the first hole at The Oaks of St. George Golf Club and beginning my pre-shot routine, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:

"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement: "Would the man on the woman's tee kindly back up to the men's tee."

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the voice yelled, "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee. please?!?!"